Gothic Red Necks
You may be a gothic red neck if:
- you ever bought black aluminium siding
- you ever walked into a country and western bar wearing torn jeans, cowboy hat and a Sisters of Mercy t-shirt
- ... while munching a hunk a' clove chewin' tabaccy
- ... driving up in your musclecar Monster Hearse
- ... drinking red wine out of jelly jars
Thanks to : Dj D'rat, Mike Hsieh.
New additions, as adapted from and inspired by the original list attributed to Jeff Foxworthy:
You may be a gothic red neck if:
- You've got more than one broken down hearse in your front yard
- You were acquited for murdering your first wife after she threw out your Sister's singles.
- You think watching professional slamdancing is foreplay.
- Your front porch collapses and ten bats get killed.
- You no longer drink red wine ever since the screw cap got caught up your nose.
- You've got paintings of Eldritch on black velvet all over your house.
- The signs that warn you against speeding remind you to see your supplier.
- Your hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
- You go to your family reunion looking for partners for your necropheliacal orgy.
- You think a Porsche is something you serve with sour cream and black bread.
- The all ages clubs you go to have a Daycare.
- You've got more than three cousins named 'Vlad'.
- You have an Eldritch's brain jello mold.
- Taking your wife for a cruise means circling the funeral parlour.
- You've got more than one sister named 'Bathory'.
- You ever won first prize in a snakebite drinking contest.
- On Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which cat to eat.
- You ever come home and find crime scene tape across your front porch.
- Your favourite entree is baby barbecued on the grill.
- Your child's first words were "Ah! The light!".
- Your idea of high-quality entertainment is a six pack of cider and a whip.
- Your whole family are Anarchists except little Elvira. She got taken off to pre-school.
- You don't know the words to your national anthem.
- You never learned to drink blood because your whole family are hemophiliacs.
- Your family tree has no forks - only knives.
- You think the OJ Trial is a screwdriver taste test.
- You believe dual air bags refer to GOATCHRIST and Scary Gary.
- You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Bram Stoker's Dracula" got nominated.
- The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has been there for more than 6 months, and has longer fangs than you do.
- You prominently display a gift you bought at Salem.
- You had to remove your fangs to say your wedding vows.
- You use a gravedigger's shovel in your living room.
- The blue book value of your hearse goes up and down depending on who's in it.
- You have to go outside to get cider out of the fridge.
- A seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack of snakebite.
- You have spraypainted your girlfriend's name on a tombstone.
- Your lifetime goal is to own a funeral parlour.
- Someone asks to see your ID and you show them the back of your leather jacket.
- You have lost at least one tooth opening a cider bottle.
- Scrumpy Jack makes your list of "most admired people".
- Your cat can't watch you eat without running away.
- You think that chocolate and caffeine are two of the major food groups.
- The grave diggers sends you Christmas cards.
- Your dad goes out clubbing with you.
- Both your house and hearse have black out curtains installed.
- You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
- You have planted a night garden in bathroom fixtures in your front yard.
- On your first date you had to ask your dad to borrow the keys to the mausoleum.
- You think the Addams Family were just "misunderstood".
- You've ever donated blood and been ticked that you wouldn't be able to withdraw it later on.
- You're considered the stupid one if you only have a bachelors.
- Three quarters of the clothes you own you made your self.
- Your pet rat cost more than the hearse you drive him around in.
- Your leather jacket weighs more than twenty pounds.
- You've been to a funeral and there were more hearses than cars.
- You just bought an 8-track player to put in your hearse.
- You ever climbed a cemetery fence with a spray paint can to defend your sister's honour.
- You never use weed killer on your lawn, nor mow it.
- You think that Gangreen, Blood Red, and Hypothermic Blue are the three primary colours.
- Your hearse has a two-tone paint job since you couldn't quite match the blacks.
- You've been on a talk show more than five times describing your lifestyle.
- The cemetery is the town's big tourist attraction.
- You've gone clubbing with your dad's new wife.
- You can tell your age by the number of piercings you have.
- You can change the oil in your hearse without ducking your head.
- You think the stock market is a feeding ground.
- Your stereo speakers used to belong to a club.
- You own a homemade Necronomicon.
- Your wife has ever said, "Move this body so's I can take a bath."
- You refer to the time you won a free case of black dye as "the day my ship came in."
- You mark the Personals section with a highlighter pen.
- Your wife's job requires her to wear PVC.
- You have the local funeral parlour's number on speed dial.
- Your school fight song was "The Funeral March".
- You think "taking out the trash" means taking your neighbours to the movies.
- Your coffee table used to be a coffin.
- You jab syringes in the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
- The National Gothic Singles Network operator recognised your voice.
- The taillight covers of your hearse are made of red tape.
- You have every episode of X-Files on tape.
- You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a rat.
- Your kids take a human skeleton to "show and tell."
- You unscrew all the light bulbs in your bathroom and put in candles instead.
- The gas pedal on your hearse is shaped like a skeleton foot.
- You think a turtleneck is not a very attractive place to feed.
- You've ever had to scratch your sisters name out of a message that begins, "For a good bite, call..."
- You wonder how service stations get the dye stains out of the walls.
- Your honeymoon was in Salem.
- You've ever done your Christmas shopping at the LA coroners store.
- Anyone in your family died right after saying "Hey, drink this!".
- You think God looks a lot like Andrew Eldritch, and heaven looks a lot like Whitby.
- You have Halloween music on your answering machine.
- You've painted a hearse with house paint.
- You ever named a child after a rat.
- You have more skirts than pants.
Yes, some of these I lifed verbatim from the original list - scary,
isn't it? No offence particularly meant, it was all in fun, honest...
And more suggestions just keep pouring in:
- You spend more on candles than on electricity.
- You own more black plaid than black velvet clothes.
- you have more nuts and bolts on your bondage pants than zippers and d-rings
Back to my
email me suggestions.