Gothic Red Necks

• you ever bought black aluminium siding
• you ever walked into a country and western bar wearing torn jeans, cowboy hat and a Sisters of Mercy t-shirt
• ... while munching a hunk a' clove chewin' tabaccy
• ... driving up in your musclecar Monster Hearse
• ... drinking red wine out of jelly jars

Thanks to : Dj D'rat, Mike Hsieh.

New additions, as adapted from and inspired by the original list attributed to Jeff Foxworthy:

You may be a gothic red neck if:

• You've got more than one broken down hearse in your front yard
• You were acquited for murdering your first wife after she threw out your Sister's singles.
• You think watching professional slamdancing is foreplay.
• Your front porch collapses and ten bats get killed.
• You no longer drink red wine ever since the screw cap got caught up your nose.
• You've got paintings of Eldritch on black velvet all over your house.
• The signs that warn you against speeding remind you to see your supplier.
• Your hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
• You go to your family reunion looking for partners for your necropheliacal orgy.
• You think a Porsche is something you serve with sour cream and black bread.
• The all ages clubs you go to have a Daycare.
• You've got more than three cousins named 'Vlad'.
• You have an Eldritch's brain jello mold.
• Taking your wife for a cruise means circling the funeral parlour.
• You've got more than one sister named 'Bathory'.
• You ever won first prize in a snakebite drinking contest.
• On Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which cat to eat.
• You ever come home and find crime scene tape across your front porch.
• Your favourite entree is baby barbecued on the grill.
• Your child's first words were "Ah! The light!".
• Your idea of high-quality entertainment is a six pack of cider and a whip.
• Your whole family are Anarchists except little Elvira. She got taken off to pre-school.
• You don't know the words to your national anthem.
• You never learned to drink blood because your whole family are hemophiliacs.
• Your family tree has no forks - only knives.
• You think the OJ Trial is a screwdriver taste test.
• You believe dual air bags refer to GOATCHRIST and Scary Gary.
• You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Bram Stoker's Dracula" got nominated.
• The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has been there for more than 6 months, and has longer fangs than you do.
• You prominently display a gift you bought at Salem.
• You had to remove your fangs to say your wedding vows.
• You use a gravedigger's shovel in your living room.
• The blue book value of your hearse goes up and down depending on who's in it.
• You have to go outside to get cider out of the fridge.
• A seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack of snakebite.
• You have spraypainted your girlfriend's name on a tombstone.
• Your lifetime goal is to own a funeral parlour.
• Someone asks to see your ID and you show them the back of your leather jacket.
• You have lost at least one tooth opening a cider bottle.
• Scrumpy Jack makes your list of "most admired people".
• Your cat can't watch you eat without running away.
• You think that chocolate and caffeine are two of the major food groups.
• The grave diggers sends you Christmas cards.
• Your dad goes out clubbing with you.
• Both your house and hearse have black out curtains installed.
• You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
• You have planted a night garden in bathroom fixtures in your front yard.
• On your first date you had to ask your dad to borrow the keys to the mausoleum.
• You think the Addams Family were just "misunderstood".
• You've ever donated blood and been ticked that you wouldn't be able to withdraw it later on.
• You're considered the stupid one if you only have a bachelors.
• Three quarters of the clothes you own you made your self.
• Your pet rat cost more than the hearse you drive him around in.
• Your leather jacket weighs more than twenty pounds.
• You've been to a funeral and there were more hearses than cars.
• You just bought an 8-track player to put in your hearse.
• You ever climbed a cemetery fence with a spray paint can to defend your sister's honour.
• You never use weed killer on your lawn, nor mow it.
• You think that Gangreen, Blood Red, and Hypothermic Blue are the three primary colours.
• Your hearse has a two-tone paint job since you couldn't quite match the blacks.
• You've been on a talk show more than five times describing your lifestyle.
• The cemetery is the town's big tourist attraction.
• You've gone clubbing with your dad's new wife.
• You can tell your age by the number of piercings you have.
• You can change the oil in your hearse without ducking your head.
• You think the stock market is a feeding ground.
• Your stereo speakers used to belong to a club.
• You own a homemade Necronomicon.
• Your wife has ever said, "Move this body so's I can take a bath."
• You refer to the time you won a free case of black dye as "the day my ship came in."
• You mark the Personals section with a highlighter pen.
• Your wife's job requires her to wear PVC.
• You have the local funeral parlour's number on speed dial.
• Your school fight song was "The Funeral March".
• You think "taking out the trash" means taking your neighbours to the movies.
• Your coffee table used to be a coffin.
• You jab syringes in the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
• The National Gothic Singles Network operator recognised your voice.
• The taillight covers of your hearse are made of red tape.
• You have every episode of X-Files on tape.
• You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a rat.
• Your kids take a human skeleton to "show and tell."
• You unscrew all the light bulbs in your bathroom and put in candles instead.
• The gas pedal on your hearse is shaped like a skeleton foot.
• You think a turtleneck is not a very attractive place to feed.
• You've ever had to scratch your sisters name out of a message that begins, "For a good bite, call..."
• You wonder how service stations get the dye stains out of the walls.
• Your honeymoon was in Salem.
• You've ever done your Christmas shopping at the LA coroners store.
• Anyone in your family died right after saying "Hey, drink this!".
• You think God looks a lot like Andrew Eldritch, and heaven looks a lot like Whitby.
• You have Halloween music on your answering machine.
• You've painted a hearse with house paint.
• You ever named a child after a rat.
• You have more skirts than pants.

Yes, some of these I lifed verbatim from the original list - scary, isn't it? No offence particularly meant, it was all in fun, honest...

And more suggestions just keep pouring in:

• You spend more on candles than on electricity.
• You own more black plaid than black velvet clothes.
• you have more nuts and bolts on your bondage pants than zippers and d-rings

Back to my gothpage or email me suggestions.